Fear of Losing Control

Intimate relationships are replete with dynamics involving power and control. These dynamics can surface as disagreements about money, domestic responsibilities, sex, and so on. Losing control is always a complex situation with multiple levels of etiology; nonetheless, in a relationship, loss of control has two major presentations. The first is simply being told what to do by a partner, and the second is actually being told how to be—what thoughts and feelings are acceptable. In the first instance, the common response is to fight back, creating overt conflict in the relationship. The second and deeper problem is when one partner tries to dictate feelings and thoughts, often in an indirect way, which causes distress for the partner receiving the messages. The therapeutic challenge is to determine why a person would select a controlling partner in the first place. Often, there is an unconscious wish to be controlled or ambivalence about control. They wish to be controlled yet rebel against it. The next therapeutic objective is to assess the underlying dynamics, address the presentations, and help the couple gain or regain a more workable distribution of power. One common presentation of struggles over power and control is the complaint of absent/low sexual desire, where the controlled partner develops strategies to protest or unconsciously protect their sense of self by losing interest in sex. Although a passive strategy, it is highly effective because it calls attention to the dynamic. The person who lacks desire is in control of sexual frequency and will avoid sex in order to maintain control in at least one area of their life. The lack of desire for sex is a metaphor for maintaining control over at least one aspect of one’s sense of selfhood.

Fear of Rejection/Abandonment

Fear of rejection or abandonment may have significant implications for treatment. There are several ways in which this fear can manifest. In some cases, rejection by the family-of-origin as a child can create a fear of abandonment within the individual’s adult couple relationship. In other cases, the fear of rejection is prompted by the history of the couple’s relationship, particularly if there has been a pattern of being traumatically abandoned. Investigating the family-of-origin through the use of focused genograms is one of the best ways to uncover a history of rejection or abandonment (See DeMaria, Weeks, & Twist, 2017). The client’s interpretation of whathappened in the family will usually reveal whether he or she felt neglected, unwanted, or physically/emotionally abandoned.

One client, Ron, suffered from fear of abandonment, which began in early childhood and carried over to his sexual relationship. He viewed being sexual as a way to become emotionally close to his partner. Alternately, part of his overall way of maintaining distance was to remain emotionally and sexually distant from his partner, John, who also carried unconscious fears of abandonment. John had grown up in a family with a mother who had a dismissive attachment style. He expected very little from his marital relationship with Ron; the mere fact that Ron wanted to marry him was enough. The prospect of emotional closeness was not something they expected. The sexual symptom was the tip of the iceberg. The therapist was able to help them see that the symptom had much deeper roots. The resolution of the sexual symptom could not be accomplished without changing the deeply embedded fears within each partner.