To Manage a Conflict With Another - "Core Process"

1. Know what you do not like about yourself, early on in your career. We often don't like in others what we do not want to see in ourselves.

(a) Write down five traits that really bug you when see them in others.

(b) Be aware that these traits are your "hot buttons".

2. Manage yourself. If you and/or the other person are getting heated up, then manage yourself to stay calm by

(a) Speaking to the person as if the other person is not heated up - this can be very effective!

(b) Avoid use of the word "you" - this avoids blaming.

(d) Maintain eye contact with them.

3. Move the discussion to a private area, if possible.

4. Give the other person time to vent.

(a) Do not interrupt them or judge what they are saying.

5. Verify that you are accurately hearing each other. When they are done speaking:

(a) Ask the other person to let you rephrase (uninterrupted) what you are hearing from them to ensure you are hearing them.

(b) To understand them more, ask open-ended questions. Avoid "why" questions - those questions often make people feel defensive.

6. Repeat the above step, this time for them to verify that they are hearing you. When you present your position

(a) Use "I", not "you".

(b) Talk in terms of the present as much as possible.

7. Acknowledge where you disagree and where you agree.

8. Work the issue, not the person. When they are convinced that you understand them:

(a) Ask "What can we do fix the problem?" They will likely begin to complain again. Then ask the same question. Focus on actions they can do, too.

9. If possible, identify at least one action that can be done by one or both of you.

(a) Ask the other person if they will support the action.

(b) If they will not, then ask for a "cooling off period".

10. Thank the person for working with you.

11. If the situation remains a conflict, then:

(a) Conclude if the other person's behavior conflicts with policies and procedures in the workplace and if so, present the issue to your supervisor.

(b) Consider whether to agree to disagree.

Conflict theory is an update and revision of structural theory that does away with some of the more arcane features of structural theory (such as where repressed thoughts are stored). Conflict theory looks at how emotional symptoms and character traits are complex solutions to mental conflict. This revision of Freud's structural theory (Freud, 1923, 1926) dispenses with the concepts of a fixed id, ego and superego and instead posits conscious and unconscious conflict among wishes (dependent, controlling, sexual and aggressive), guilt and shame, emotions (especially anxiety and depressive affect) and defensive operations that shut off from consciousness some aspect of the others. Moreover, healthy functioning (adaptive) is also determined, to a great extent, by resolutions of conflict.

A major objective of modern conflict-theory psychoanalysis is to change the balance of conflict in a patient by making aspects of the less adaptive solutions (also called compromise formations) conscious so that they can be rethought and more adaptive solutions found. Current theoreticians following Brenner's many suggestions (see especially Brenner's 1982 book, "The Mind in Conflict") include Sandor Abend, MD (Abend, Porder, & Willick, (1983), Borderline Patients: Clinical Perspectives, Jacob Arlow (Arlow and Brenner (1964), Psychoanalytic Concepts and the Structural Theory and Jerome Blackman (2003), 101 Defenses: How the Mind Shields Itself.